11:11

So since living with Kristin, I love making wishes on 11:11, both am and pm. Its great because I always feel so lucky already to have looked at the clock at that exact moment, and then I get to make a wish.
So judge me how you will but I literally always wished for " A super hot boyfriend." Sometime even being so specific as to say, not really a husband just yet, but a boyfriend.
So then the last three weeks I have kind of struggled, because it would be 11:11 and then I wouldn't know what to wish for, since I already had a super hot boyfriend. haha So now I'm kind of at this dilemma for what to wish for. Is it selfish if I wish for the same thing again, maybe letting Heavenly Father find me a more permanent/ husband now? Also is it silly to think that me making wishes at 11:11 is another way of asking my father for blessings in the form of a husband/ boyfriend?! I don't know. But I think that Heavenly Father loves me and understands me so personally that he just gets it, and knows how much I like making "wishes" that he just blesses me with them.
Anyways just thought I would let you guys know I found the plus side to Marcus breaking up with me- I can now make my 11:11 wish again. haha

xoxo Martha Mae

Learn to Hold my own Hand.

How did I become so depended so quickly? I used to pride myself on my independence- my ability to make myself happy- with no ones help. Now its over, before it really even begun. And I already freaking miss him. Its been less than a day, Martha. He took me to the temple to tell me he didn't think it was healthy. He is right, but I still didn't want to hear it. I am leaving. But not soon enough. It was the sweetest break up (I don't even know that we were ever even really together) maybe ever. But I'm still sad, and I already miss his hand holding mine. He kissed me one last time, and nearly broke my heart.
He isn't even perfect, I know that. We were never getting married, I didn't even want that. But I still feel alone, even though I'm surrounded by way more people than usual. I guess I just need to learn how to hold my own hand for a while. I know I'll be fine soon...but I still don't like this.
Why does he have to be so darn cute?
Well as Kayla and Jay-Z say "I'm on to the next one, on to the next." haha jokes.

xoxo Martha Mae.

not myself.

It's weird. I go through this every time anything changes. Like if people enter, or leave my life. If I move. Or if I just start going back to school. (at a school- where literally everything has changed). The day I got here I was feeling super weird and awkward. But luckily Zach left work early and came to my apartment and gave me a big hug. Literally made my day. I love (you) Zach. haha Because not only do you read my stupid blog. But you are just kind of awesome. haha. So Zach came over and gave me a tutor of the school, I didn't know where anything was. I felt so lost- and mainly dumb. Its now Saturday, almost a week later and I feel still kind of weird. But much more at home. I love my roommates. Love the smell of this new apartment. I love my memory foam on my bed. And apparently I "love" Marcus. haha This morning I woke up and got on my computer. I couldn't sleep in as much as I wanted- and HATE just laying in bed. So I swipe my finger- because I have a super sweet fingerprint reader. And I find this on my background.

haha at first I was like kind of creeped out, but then I laughed and just appreciated the work of art Zach had just created. haha By the way- Marcus- totally not a BA as he looks in this photo. But this was a self portrait he did, so that does make him pretty freaking awesome. And rather good looking- if I dare say. :)

Anyways. I'm still feeling kind of awkward. So hopefully I'll get out of that soon. But today I'm kind of wishing I was just at my home in Portland, and that Camden and Alexis could come over. And we could just be together, and I could just be 100% myself. And not stress about school, and boys (okay just this one). But since I'm not at home. I should probably just go shower and have an awesome day with Zach, Morgan, and Marcus. 

xoxo Martha

p.s. Jackson Hole- probably the best thing I have ever done while living in Rexburg. Literally the most beautiful thing ever!

Oh Michelle.

I wasn't really expecting it, but I gave her a hug...slowly walked back to my car with tears slowly running down my face. I got in the car and just sort of laughed to myself. She would sneak her way into my heart. All night she just kept saying "This is our last night together" and "I'm really going to miss you." But I have done this before. I have said goodbye to lots of people, many, many times. But leaving Michelle somehow feels like I'm doing a bad thing. If you don't know for the past year or so, when I was home I would hangout with a girl named Michelle, Michelle Alder. She has worked at Great Harvest on Fridays since before I can remember. She came walked her coat and purse into the bag, walked back to the front washed her hands, and helped us bag bread. We have a system. She puts the bread into the bags, and I close it up. For a long long time she didn't say much- if anything. Then slowly she began to trust me more. But still very little. Somehow Chuck always got her to talk to him :) Must be something about how hot and black he is. When we started hanging out, she still wouldn't say much. I'd have to drag any opinion out of her. We would go to the mall, or out to dinner. We would eat, I would ask questions, and she would say "I don't know". And then we would eat silently some more. Slowly she became more vocal. Telling me no, when I'd suggest a restaurant or an activity. Soon I just learned to let Michelle decide. Every time I would ask "What do you want to do this Saturday Michelle?" She would respond with " I don't know, what do you want to do?" I learned to say right back "I don't know, you decide." Because then she did. I could soon predict the restaurant would be somewhere that offered hamburgers.  I could soon predict she would start being "tired" (my cue to leave) by 8 or 9 at the latest. But I was often surprised too, one time she suggested hot tubing. My favorite was playing High School Musical Dance Party on the Wii. We both got B's every time. Who know why that game is so hard. haha
Then we had our weekends together, where we were together but separate. She would suggest we make our own thing for dinner. Or I watch a movie in my room. But the moments we weren't together in the same room, was when I learned the most about Michelle. I hung back downstairs one morning after breakfast, and I soon hear music Blasting upstairs. I slowly walk up the back stairwell, to see what was going on- and I see Michelle rocking out in her room. Full blown singing and dancing. I stayed on those stairs for a good 10 minutes. Enjoying the moment of seeing Michelle, just be Michelle.
Even with all the grumpy goodbyes, the silent meals, the calling then hanging up as soon as I answer, or the telling me she is "busy" when her mother has already told me she is not.
Even with all that, Me and Michelle still had a lot of laughs.
And I hate that I'm yet another person in her life, that is moving on and leaving her. She understands more than I would ever imagine. I just hope she knows that I really do love her, and that we really are friends.
I'll miss you Michelle.

xoxo Martha Mae.

p.s. And even after all this time, I never got a photo of us. Fail Martha. Fail.

p.p.s Got one!

Who loves us, and we love Him.

Today was the Young Women's program, and as I sat an listened I realized why I am so blessed. I have been taught since the age of 12, that I am a daughter of God, and that he loves me. I said it every Sunday till I graduated and left for Hawaii. I know that I didn't really think about what I was saying every Sunday, but I must have enough that it sunk in. Now every time I have any a problem in life I simply say to myself, My Heavenly Father loves me, and wants to see me be happy. And because he loves me, everything will be okay. And I have learned that I not only will be okay, I will be happy. My Heavenly Father knows that I have "Strive(d) to live the Young Women Values," and has bless me ever so much because of it.
So as I watched this YW program, I sat, hoped, and wished that these Young Women would learn- if nothing else- that they are loved by a Father in Heaven. And with that knowledge alone, they will also be alright. And if they live those values they have been taught- not only will they be fine, they will be happy!

I know I am.

xoxo Martha Mae.

If I were a boy....

So recently I have been thinking about cute date ideas...to help Nathan ask out Tessa. Slash lets get real, I'm constantly planning cute date ideas in my head...with no way to carry them out. But I figured I would blog about what my "perfect courtship" would look like... if I was a boy and could do this.

First Date: Barrow Kyle Hayden's Nerf guns, for a big group date. Then after out to dinner, at Little Big Burger. Because its cute and trendy, and super delicious. And since kissing on the first date is no good, finishing the night with a hamburger is just fine.
This could be a group date, or individual.

122 nw 10th Avenue, Portland OR 97209

Open Daily, 11am- 10pm.

Second Date: Window shopping, and people watching. Best done at Pioneer Square Mall.

Then dessert at my favorite Gelato place in the Pearl.

Via Delizia

1105 nw Marshall Street, Portland OR 97209
Hours:
Mon-Tue 7:30 am - 8 pm

Wed-Thu 7:30 am - 10 pm

Fri-Sat 7:30 am - 11 pm

Third Date: Breakfast for Dinner, homemade. French Toast is a must, and maybe if you're feeling creative make shapes with pancakes. Then snuggle up for a movie, I would choose an old classic. But really any movie would do, but an old James Bond of Audrey Hepburn would be my choice.

Forth Date: Volunteering at the Food Bank. They take both individuals and groups. All you have to do is sign up online before going. This would be a perfect group date. And a chance to see each other in hair nets- what could be sexier?! Followed up with some McDonald's Ice cream cones. Drive- thru preferable. 

Fifth Date: (Assuming I could control the weather and time period). Saturday Morning 10am, stop by Great Harvest for two berry cream cheese scone ( I don't share). Then head down to Saturdays Market for some people watching, street entertainment, and some blue grass music listening. Oh and some shopping. I'd probably convince him to buy me some cute homemade bag I just "had to have."

Sixth Date: Just a night of Psych watching. Popcorn and Twizzlers are a must.

Seventh Date: Dinner and a Show. At this point we would obviously be in love- thus he should be ready to throw down some money. :) Dinner anywhere downtown...but since this is my "Perfect Date"

Dinner at Andina. 1314 nw Glisan, Portland OR 97209

Fri-Sat 5:00- 10:30pm  (average price on menu $25.)

Then a show, that can be a concert, musical, dance group. And if nothing is going on (which really would  be a rare occasion) a movie would work.

Eight Date: Saturday Special. This is something I started with my girl friends in high school (but obviously haven't kept up with). But on Saturday, we would go get some Sushi, Strawberries, and Sparkling Lemonade and eat it while up in the Skyline area, with amazing views of the city. But since this is my dream date, I would change it to somehow convincing people to let us on top of my favorite building and it would be a picnic up there. With Sushi, Sparkling lemonade, Strawberries, and obviously some Snogging!!

Ninth Date: Basketball, Hockey, or Lacrosse Game. Preferably a Blazer Game. $13.00 Seats would even work for me. :)

Tenth Date: Make Dinner together (which really means he will cook and I'll clean up), shopping for ingredients at Winco prior. Red Box a Movie.

*Also because this is my ideal courtship, I would have these spread out to no more than two per week. I maybe be the only freak that feels this way. But I think separation makes the heart grow fonder. So I wouldn't want to see each other everyday.

Also I'm going to stop here because Camden is making fun of me.

Well...

 xoxo Martha Mae.

BYU, Bailey's, and Budgets

So in case you haven't heard, I was accepted to BYU-Provo on Friday night. I sent my cousin Dylan the first text, and he was so excited. I really just can't wait to live next to so much family, and have that whole place to go to for Sunday dinners. I also just love my Aunt Kathryn and my Dyl so much. Can't wait.
And to celebrate my acceptance Jen Bailey is taking me out on a girl Date- and I'm so excited. Love this family. I also had a Bridger Bailey date this weekend, the Baileys called me up- and like the nice naive people they are said "We know you probably have a date for Friday night, but if you don't want to babysit?" And obviously I would probably choose Bridge over a date anyways, but I said yes. So I got all dressed up, (meaning I took off my work shirt and put on a slightly nicer one) and headed over. Bridge was all dressed, quite handsomely, and we had a perfect evening. Full of crashing hot wheels cars, and a few "Uh excuse me, Martha"s. Afterwards Jen and I stood outside his room talking, mostly about him, but also about Scott, and hers relationship. I have always loved their relationship ( and yes I realize this is a freaky thing I do- of falling in love with peoples relationships). But I do, and even more so now. They are currently budgeting themselves. They looked over last years expense's and realized they were kind of out of control. haha Which I believe pregnant Jen is very funny, and quite irrational. Then she told me how Scott loves buying her and Bridger things, and how with this new budget he has started trying to sell Jen things. For example he will bring home a box of chocolates he got from some work thing, and sell it to Jen for five dollars, just so he can then purchase Bridger a Thomas Movie, he has been wanting. Or he will hide the final tax return amount from Jen, and surprise her with a new Kitchen Pan set. Because its "Money she never even saw." Jen says she is always trying to limit his gifts for her, but its his favorite thing to do (buy gifts for his wife). How can you argue with that. So long story short, I want to A. start budgeting my money, because if I can't even figure out how to somewhat support myself now. How will I ever support/ manage expenses for a family. And B. I want to marry someone who loves me as much as Scott loves Jen, Bridge, and soon to be Matthew (can't wait- he is coming any day now)!

with love.
Martha

He has a Plan.

I did know this. I've always know this. But sometimes, like today I am reminded that My Heavenly Father has a very specific plan. Yes we can choose our path in life, but Heavenly Father is all seeing and all knowing. So he already knows, and if we ask him he will lead us down the right path. I'm home. I've been home for 7 months now, and I get a lot of. When are you going back to school? Or even scarier now, whats your plan now that you're not doing school? Which I am by the way, just to set the record straight.
But its all worth it, because I know I'm supposed to be home this semester, and although I didn't know 100% why when I decided not to, I now do.
Tonight has been oddly wet and tearful night. I honestly rarely cry for myself, what I should say is- I rarely cry because of things directly related to me. But thing after thing tonight has made by eyes water up and become more puffier than the hour before. Don't worry I'm fine, really. Like one thing that made me cry was reading the Rising Star Newsletter. In the Newsletter is had the Rising Star Anthem in it. And just reading it, flooded me with the memory of the children singing it so proudly.
So I thought I would share it with you all here. So you can read it, and picture these precious little Indian children singing it.

"I'm a Rising Star"
by: Shaun Parry
I'm free to be all I can be.
I love life and I love being me.
I can choose to let my light shine.
The World is waiting?
Whose turn is it? Mine!

I will live like the sun sharing light.
I will shine in the darkest of night.
I will laugh, and learn, and through
any strife,
Live a long, happy, healthy, and loving life.

I'm a rising, rising star.
I'm a rising, rising star.
Spread the word near and far.
I'm a rising star.

Let the world know who we are.
We are rising Stars.

I then went to the Rising Star website, and saw they have a direct link to my blog. So that was humbling, and oh so sweet of them. So I started to read my journey there...to see how many errors I really have in the blog. But I was overcome with emotions from my trip, and forgot all about my horrid spelling and incomplete, and probably incomprehensible sentences.

So anyways I just wanted to say how grateful I am, that Heavenly Father has a plan. I know his is a lot better than mine would be. So Lead me, guide me, walk beside me.

xoxo Martha

p.s. I love this song, and although i think the actual sucking out the hearts part is kind of freaky- the dancing is awesome. And the woman who choreographed it, was just at Rising Star a few weeks ago. And thus she is the coolest choreographer on SYTYCD!

Favorite Picture uhh maybe Ever!

This is my favorite photo from the workshop, and I didn't even take it. I had an amazing weekend. And will blog more about it later. But for now.

The Lovely Jasmine, and JD...oh and me! :)

xoxo Martha Mae.

Just kind of messy.

You know you are kind of a mess when tv shows start making you cry. Given this was an exceptionally great tv show, Parenthood. And people on the show started crying first, and we all know I'm a sympathetic crier. But I also teared up at the store the other day, mainly because I was super tired...but partly because I sad for someone else. Seeing their life, even such a small part made me sad. But then I realized they probably don't feel that way, so neither should I. Anyways this sounds crazy without explanation, and I'm again to tired to explain. But I just wanted to blog. I do this dumb thing where I think in blogs, and everything I think is just so important in my life, and that everyone around me should care and read about it. So I try and think of a clever way to blog it...but then I never do. Which is a good thing, because its rarely that important, or clever.
I'm also trying to think less about myself, and focus on serving others, which is a fail by the way. I haven't served anyone, I have only made myself more busy so I don't have time for anything else.
I also really actually do need to think about myself, and more importantly my future, and what degree that includes, and where I need to get this degree, and where I'm going to live, and how I'm going to pay to live there. But none of these things are fun to think about.
anyways I just wanted to say Camden, you are right Parenthood is great. Lorelai is the best, and I'm so happy she plays a similar character.

Well its my new bed time.
and a photo. Because its cute. :)

xoxo Martha.